I’m back home, after a relatively fast and uneventful drive home. I’m slowly – slowly – getting back to normal. My first impulse yesterday morning was to clean my front hallway. I practically took it apart piece by piece. I somehow needed to get this clean and organized. I figured it was my way of riding my grief in a constructive way. But, about halfway through I suddenly realized what I was doing: cleaning my hallway in some weird effort to bring my mother back. She was very clean and it suddenly made sense why I was deep-scrubbing the entry way and hall. That would have been her entrance to my house.
I broke down after I realized that and ended up losing it for quite a while. Thank God my husband was at the hardware store so he didn’t have to see me yowling all over the place. Things being what they are, though, I expect those experiences to return until they’ve worked their way out of my system.
It does feel good to be back, though. Familiar surroundings and tasks have been very stabilizing. I’m also going to have a massage later this afternoon. I managed to pull a muscle with all that deep-dive cleaning and would like to get that smoothed out, along with the rest of my body which, at this point, could really use it.